Well, they finally got me. I’ve got the Tism (Autism). Said another way, I’m Autistic. I’ve got the disorder. I’m on The Spectrum. There are so many ways to say this these days but I’ll parse that another time. The point is, I’ve been inducted into the “neurodivergent” community. I suppose I was already a member since I was diagnosed with ADHD 10 years ago. These being neurodevelopmental disorders or differences means I’ve always been a part of and just didn’t know it. I suppose I’ve always felt it. I’ve suspected and been afraid of it before I even knew what it was. So maybe to some degree I've been in denial and working hard to hide and overcompensate for it. Even when I found out some of what it was, I didn’t take it as seriously as I should have. At the time, I didn’t know any better.
That all changed last year when at the age of slightly over 30, I was actually diagnosed. The severity of the events that led to me finding this out forced me to reckon with the fact that I am not wired like most people. I have to stop trying to operate like others, expecting to get the same results.
Let’s do a brief review of my whole mental health journey thus far
i’ve suffered headaches and migraines all my life
first panic attack and first suicidal ideation 20+ years ago
diagnosed with generalized anxiety and adhd 11 years ago
diagnosed with major depressive disorder 10 years ago
bipolar ii was put out there 9 years ago by an emergency room psychiatrist who determined this after only a 5 minute conversation
bipolar ii was officially ruled out about 5 years ago
i found out that migraines are actually neurological disorders or something about 3 years ago
given a diagnosis of ASD Level 1 Fall 2023
Some things that have always been true for me and now make more sense:
I’ve always struggled with reading. I read really slow and it really drains my energy. I would typically fall asleep when reading for homework. I don’t remember many details or any of the trivia so I always did terrible on quizzes designed to see if you actually read. (i’m still not 100% sure of what’s going on here and suspect it’s more than just ADHD. some recent experiences & learnings have led me to oculomotor dysfunction. and i don’t have the resources to get professional opinions or treatment)
Though math eventually became my strongest subject in high school and college, I was far behind my peers when it came to mental arithmetic and multiplication facts. (apparently that’s a working memory thing. a known weakness in adhd))
New or unstructured social situations without something specific to do give me intense anxiety. I don’t know who I’m supposed to be and it take me a while to determine the best way to exist in that setting. (call it social anxiety, a severe fear of rejection, aspergers… idk)
Keeping my spaces organized or neat is extremely difficult, just short of impossible. (classic adhd)
Certain sounds and physical sensations, that others seems to be fine with or enjoy, are incredibly unpleasant and enduring them feels more like suffering than tolerating. (classic autism)
I routinely feel out of sync with my peers.
A portion of a song can get stuck in my head for several days and I almost compulsively sing it on repeat. I’ve gotten in trouble and kicked out of class for it. Many times I don’t even realize i’m doing it. (this could be a manifestation of echolalia or vocal stimming. classic autism)
I routinely mangle pens, marker caps drinking straws, and the rubber bits of zippers and keychains. (this is likely some intense abnormal stimming. classic adhd and autism)
There are other relevant patterns that I am starting to realize because they’ve been brought to my awareness by others. And some I’m understanding after reflecting on how traits and behaviors can sometimes be much more discreet or internalized.
When I got the ADHD diagnosis, it explained some of my challenges but I just worked harder at compensating for being inattentive. Initially I thought that’s all it was for me. I didn’t realize all the ways it actually manifested. I still wasn’t giving myself grace or getting proper accommodations to reduce my struggling.
I thought my anxiety was solely worrying and rumination. At one point I made a conscious decision to not engage in worrying anymore because it was unpleasant and unproductive. I thought I fixed myself while not realizing all the other ways anxiety can manifest.
These days I’m learning to accept that my differences and the source of my many struggles isn’t something that’s going to get fixed or corrected by force of will or through journaling, or project managing myself. For the last few months I’ve been working on taking my particular neurotype more seriously and processing how I might need to approach life differently. I’ve not gotten very far on that work but I am making progress.
Last summer I experienced what some people call, adhd/autistic burnout. It had a severe negative impact on my capacity to do things that I’m good at. My high powered masking and brain power had taken me as far as they could in life without appropriate accommodations. When I lost all that momentum that I was gliding on, I crashed hard.
I’ve apparently been defaulting to compensating and camouflaging so intensely for so long that the built up exhaustion and suboptimal reward for doing so sort of ruptured something. I have this subtle doubt about who I really am “beneath the mask”. I don’t know what accommodations I need or ought to take because I’m so accustomed to enduring some amount of suffering. I developed this sense that being able to endure and persist through discomfort was somehow noble and a character strength. Sacrificing for the future or for the peace and good of the group was somehow virtuous. But of course, there is a limit. There is a point at which it’s not worth it or is detrimental. I have no idea where the line is between -an admirable amount of pushing myself in difficult situations and -engaging in harmful masking practices in order to perform like/blend in with others.
It’s all so new. Though I’ve long been aware of Autism, seeing myself as part of that is challenging. Add to that, a renewed perspective of ADHD. I’m probably going through phases that many late diagnosed adults go through. Right now I’m somewhere between recontextualizing the past and recalibrating my daily expectations. I hope I can get to a point of reimagining the future.